Doctor jokes
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
What do a doctor and a girlfriend/boyfriend have in common?
They both break your heart.
Technoblade: Makes jokes about orphans while in hospital.
Doctors to Technoblade's dad: Sorry for your loss.
Technoblade: What do you mean?? I'm right here!!
Orphans found parents: Who's he talking to??
I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.
Doc: Can I help you?
Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.
Doc: When did it begin?
Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).
Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...
Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.
Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?
Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.
Patient: I am sorry, it is my first surgery.
Doctor: Don't worry, mine too.🫡👍
Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.
Doc: What's wrong with that?
Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.
A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail.
"Doctor, doctor!" He cries out.
"What is it?" The doctor asks.
"I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded.
". . . That's because I amputated your arms."
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
Yo momma so stupid that someone said, "You're not that wealthy," and she went to a doctor.
"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"
What is the difference between a thief and a doctor?
The thief knows what you have!
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
Why did the cucumber go to the doctor? Because he wasn't peeling well!
Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.
Doctor: Sex is good for you!
What's green and has a thousand nipples?
A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.
A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...
All of the bristles fell out!
Why was the North Tower a bad doctor when the South Tower collapsed?
Because the North Tower didn’t do CPR.
There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.
When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.
The doctor said, "You're all right now."
So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says, "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy replies, "At least I've not got cancer!"