Distance jokes
Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.
In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.
The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.
The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.
A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?
Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
Why'd the snake cross the road? It was in the chicken's butt.
The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
You look tall for being 432,450 miles tall!
My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
Titanic was sinking.
Passenger: "How far are we from land?"
Captain: "Two miles."
Passenger: "Which direction?"
Captain: "Down."
Have you read "50 Yards to the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit and Probly Not?
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
He drove too far away from the wall and got unplugged.
You give some people 2.54 centimeters, and they take 1.6 kilometers.
You can easily outrun a midget because they have to run twice as much as you do.
Yo mama so far that when she walks outside at 8 a.m., it becomes midnight all over again.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away. So in turn, they try to swim to the island. The brunette swims 10 km then drowns. The redhead swims 30 km then drowns. The blonde swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance, they looked like hare.