Diet jokes

What do you get when you cross a vegan and a burger fry-cook?

A shitty plant-based patty.

When you are trying to write a speech about Columbus, don't make a joke that he was on a seafood diet because the audience might think you and Columbus were fat. You know, 'see food, eat everything.'

How many potatoes to feed the elephant?

Fat bully. That was just the starter, now do you want the main course?

Me: I don't think I want that because you already ate it.

Your mum eats cabbage.

Mom, start eating, or else you will get fatter!

Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.

Adin, you should consider eating pencil lead, you fat cat lover, only if you're the new Adin from FF though xoxo da babby.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

If a vegan and a vegan have a fight, is it still considered beef?

"I know, you have a lot on your plate right now."

Stephen, are you a vegetarian?

I am a vegetable.

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.

Why did Alice from Wonderland get her butt stuck in the rabbit hole at first? Because she probably ate too many hamburgers and drank too much wine just out of nowhere, then told her butt to hold it in before more food pops out.

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!

Why are skinny people skinny?

Because he don't have a family to breastfeed on.

A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.

I didn’t eat breakfast because I’m starving myself.

What do you call a weak, beta, tall and dumb kid? A banana.

But if you're vegan, you call him food.

If you're poor, you eat the skin.