Diet jokes

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

"I know, you have a lot on your plate right now."

When you are trying to write a speech about Columbus, don't make a joke that he was on a seafood diet because the audience might think you and Columbus were fat. You know, 'see food, eat everything.'

Why do vegans hate sex?

They don't want to say they had a meat in 'em.

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.

Why did Alice from Wonderland get her butt stuck in the rabbit hole at first? Because she probably ate too many hamburgers and drank too much wine just out of nowhere, then told her butt to hold it in before more food pops out.

A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!

Why are skinny people skinny?

Because he don't have a family to breastfeed on.

I didn’t eat breakfast because I’m starving myself.

What do you call a weak, beta, tall and dumb kid? A banana.

But if you're vegan, you call him food.

If you're poor, you eat the skin.

Your mom is so fat that she only knows three letters, which are "KFC."

How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?

She died.

Are you having rabbit and duck for dinner?

Yeah.

Why?

Because I got too obsessed with hares.

Once, I ate a skunk. It was hard because I didn't get it down the whole way.

Why is yo mama so fat? She follows rap boat's diet.

Your mum is so fat she eats all day!

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

I breathe in African food.