Death jokes

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

What’s the only advantage of being an orphan?

Nobody makes jokes about yo mamma.

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Coff- na, jk, bleach.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett? Six hours.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Di.

Di who?

See, easily forgotten.

I have a choking kink, so I will enjoy hanging.

What did Michael Jackson say before he died, as far as his childhood? "This is it."

Why don't orphans go to the shops? Because when their mum leaves, she's never coming back.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

I told a joke to a guy who had jumped off a bridge... He was in bits! 🤣🤦‍♂️

We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.

When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.

What instrument can a skeleton never play?

An organ.

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.