Death jokes
I went to a funeral to revive my dead grandmother with the Reboot Card, but my family was upset!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.
Why don't orphans go to the shops? Because when their mum leaves, she's never coming back.
You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)
I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.
The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.
How did the gay man die? Homicide.
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: I've got you flowers.
Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?
Doctor: They're for your grave.
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
Why did Jesus die at the diving Olympics? Because he can't go through water.
Dark humor is like kids with cancer; they never get old.
My ex died in an anchorage accident.
She always was a sleeping hooker.
I asked my mother about her mom.
She said she was in a better place. After that, I asked her where that place is. She didn't know, so I sent her to a better place.
I was at a funeral and told a joke, and my sister said, "I'm dead." So I said, "That's what she said."
The Britains walk in the house of the alcoholic grandad. They ask Mary, the mum, why she had blood all over her, and she said someone dropped the butter. They walked into the living room, and Thomas was dead on the floor.
Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?
A: Her dead fetus.
My dad died in 9/11. I'll always remember his last words:
Allah hu akbar.
My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Di.
Di who?
See, easily forgotten.
People were scared of the alligator because it ate everyone, so they called for the water god Aquarius.
He said "Sea ya later, alligator!" and he drowned.