What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?
I can't jump off a burrito.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Preventing suicide is best done by committing it.
I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.
His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."
My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.
What’s George Floyd’s favorite color? Neon black.
How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?
He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.
Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.
Where did little Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.
May he rest in pizza.
The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.
A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"
The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?
Chocolate drops.
