Death jokes

Daughter: Mommy, what ever happened to Steven Hawking?

Mother: He died.

Daughter: How did he die?

Mother: He never got recharged.

How did Princess Diana die?

Giving the glove box head.

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

Stephen Hawking is just in a role play. He died to a crash in Minecraft.

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The Grim Sweeper.

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

A blind guy shot up a town.

I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.

How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

I saw an emo orphan by a tree, and I was going to give it a high-five, but instead I just let it hang.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone?

Because he's dead.

What does an emo kid and an apple have in common?

They both are hanging.

What did Michael Jackson say before he died, as far as his childhood? "This is it."

"Why do people call Americans excessive?"

"It was probably because of WWII."

"Oh, you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of a little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"

If an emo and a leaf are in a tree, which one will fall first?

Answer: The leaf. The rope saved the emo.

The other day my mom called me a retard.

I'm now an orphan.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

What do you sing on a dead person's birthday?

"Happy Death-Day To You!"