Death jokes

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Susie.

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!

One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.

Where are the others?

They're in his freezer.

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

What is the difference between my Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't keep my Lamborghini in my garage.

Dark humor never gets old, just like children with cancer.

What's a chicken's deadliest day?

Friday.

What did the helicopter say to the mountain?

Kobe.

Are you my fish? Because you're supposed to be dead.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

They kill people.

Why do people misplace 9/11 with emo kids? They both have a high death count.

What did the suicidal guy say to his audience?

What did the suicidal guy say to his audience?

Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not your grandpa, he crashed the plane.