Death jokes

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!

One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.

Where are the others?

They're in his freezer.

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

What is the difference between my Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't keep my Lamborghini in my garage.

"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

Dark humor never gets old, just like children with cancer.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

Why did the Emo Chicken cross the road?

To get hit by a car.

How do stars die?

Normally, an overdose.

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff?

Neither did I until I found his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?

They can’t say no.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!