Death jokes

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

I bet emos get jealous when their phone dies.

It’s OK if emo kids always hang from the trees, but if we do it, it’s considered against the law.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

What did Michael Jackson say before he died, as far as his childhood? "This is it."

What’s the only advantage of being an orphan?

Nobody makes jokes about yo mamma.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Coff- na, jk, bleach.

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett? Six hours.

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?

They're both hanging from a tree.

What's a dying person's least favorite app? TikTok.

Why did the suicidal man walk in front of the car? To get to the other side.

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.

All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.