Death jokes

Why can't dinosaurs talk?

Because they are all dead.

Mia: I'm pregnant again, Paul. I can't wait for you to come home.

Paul: I got a tree to hit on the way.

Why is Sally dead? Cause she has no arms.

"911, I just crashed my car. I think it's burning. I can't see. It hurts to breathe."

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Could never understand why people would say Stephen Hawking is a dead man walking.

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint the wall?

A: Depends how hard you throw them.

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

R.I.P. on a tombstone normally means "Rest In Peace"; however, in Madeleine McCann's case, it means "Raped In Portugal".

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

What do classical musicians do when they die?

They decompose.

How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?

Turn on the gas chamber.

I asked the emo kid how it was hanging. He didn't reply because the rope was too tight.

Why did Mom cross the road?

To kill you!

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.