Death jokes
What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?
Baby Jesus died a virgin.
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.
Did you know pigeons die after sex?
At least when I fucked it.
Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued; your blood was delectable, and so was the rest of you.
Did you know pigeons die after sex?
Well, at least the one I fucked did.
Where did Kobe go after the helicopter crashed? Everywhere.
What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?
Kill their parents.
Everyone likes orphans but their parents.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.
Preventing suicide is best done by committing it.
Suicide isn't a joke. It's called "parkour gone wrong."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Di.
Di who?
See, easily forgotten.
I have a choking kink, so I will enjoy hanging.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Coff- na, jk, bleach.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett? Six hours.
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
What’s the only advantage of being an orphan?
Nobody makes jokes about yo mamma.
My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.