Death jokes
What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in seconds.
I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.
How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
Stephen Hawking didn’t die.
His charger broke.
What’s the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is ten kids in one container; morbid humor is one kid in ten containers.
What's worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies.
What's worse than that?
The baby at the bottom of the pile is still alive.
What's worse than that?
The baby at the bottom of pile is eating its way out.
What’s red and very rare?
A baby in a blender.
I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.
I will always remember my dad's last words....
"15 dollars and I'll jump."
Stephen Hawking was one of the best scientists ever. Now he's walking up the steps of he... No, he's not walking up the steps of heaven.
Why aren't there any closets in southern churches? Closets have coat hangers.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.
What do you call a blonde in a freezer?
Her parents called her Cindy, so we should probably continue calling her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.
My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Orphans go to church to call someone father.