Death jokes

Stephen Hawking didn’t die.

His charger broke.

Why aren't there any closets in southern churches? Closets have coat hangers.

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

Stephen Hawking was one of the best scientists ever. Now he's walking up the steps of he... No, he's not walking up the steps of heaven.

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Orphans go to church to call someone father.

What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.

What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

Her parents called her Cindy, so we should probably continue calling her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Of course not! He got nailed before he died.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued; your blood was delectable, and so was the rest of you.

Did you know pigeons die after sex?

At least when I fucked it.

Where did Kobe go after the helicopter crashed? Everywhere.

Did you know pigeons die after sex?

Well, at least the one I fucked did.

What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?

Kill their parents.

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!