Death jokes
Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.
There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.
Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?
I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.
Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.
Why couldn’t people use the George Floyd action figure? Because it was vacuum sealed.
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.
"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
These murder jokes are just KILLING me!
What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.
When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering, but you walk toward his gun; "I will finish what you started."