Death jokes

What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?

Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.

Kenny was into incest until his mom died.

Now he's into necrophilia.

When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering, but you walk toward his gun; "I will finish what you started."

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.

My uncle died on September 11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?

Turn on the gas chamber.

What is long, brown, and cures depression?

A noose.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

I wanna die.

Where do mathematicians go to die?

The symmetry.

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winnie embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?

Paul Walker’s Porsche.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Kill yourself in any way. I'm killing myself the HIGHway.