Death jokes
So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.
Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
These murder jokes are just KILLING me!
What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.
Kenny was into incest until his mom died.
Now he's into necrophilia.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering, but you walk toward his gun; "I will finish what you started."
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
Crucifixion was the first T-pose.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
I wanna die.
Where do mathematicians go to die?
The symmetry.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.