Death jokes
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
How do you know an orphan is telling the truth?
When they swear on their mother's grave!
What's black and white, black and white, black and white...?
A dead nun rolling down a hill.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like everyone else in the plane.
There once was a commie called Ed. Usually known as Ned. He went to bed, Got shot in the head, Unfortunately now he was dead.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
I wonder if any of these people are still alive.
Anyways,
When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.
Danny, your mum [is] dead as hell and got raggedy shoes on.
Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...
Why did the orphan cross the road and stop in a lane? To get run over.
What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?
"Can I have a bodybag?"
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
Whoever said that about me better pray!
If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?
Q: What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and wind chimes?
A: Wind chimes don't make a gurgling sound when they're hung.
Where did Lucy go in the bombing... Everywhere.
Why does the orphan commit suicide to join the other side to see their parents?
There was a penguin breathing with his ass. One day, he sat down and he died.