Death jokes
Why was Timmy the only happy person in his family?
Timmy is dead.
When the school shooter kills five people, and the autistic kid yells, "Heroes never die!"
Please read all of it. I know it's long, please read all of it.
This dad heard his daughter praying. As she was praying, she came to an end: "Goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad didn't think about the grandpa part and headed to bed. The next morning, the mom and dad heard that the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just coincidence, so he carried on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye grandma, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." After he heard "goodbye grandma," his facial expression changed, and he went straight to bed. The next morning, the grandma died out of nowhere. The dad began to worry and continued on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad got scared, so he had a plan to go to work and stay hidden there. So that's what he did. When he got home the next day, his wife asked where he had been, and he replied back, "Sorry honey, I had a horrible day today." She replied back saying: "Oh, you think you had a bad day? The mailman just died on the front porch this morning!" If you get it, you get it.
Give a man a plane ticket, he’ll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane flying 10,000 miles up, he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I thought about learning skydiving without having to afford gear. But the highest place I got is my apartment window.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
Could never understand why people would say Stephen Hawking is a dead man walking.
October 1, 2017 is when the Mandalay Bay became the Mandalay spray. Thank Steve for that.
What does an orphan have in common with an 80-year-old woman? Their parents will never come back.
All zodiac signs have a hair style, but cancer is just a one-way thing.
What do you call a woman who aborted her quadruplets? A graveyard.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.
What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?
I guess orange is the new black.
You're walking on the street when you realize that you're in the road as you feel the horn dying away.
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?
I don't have a Porsche in the garage.
How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds?
Kill her afterwards.
Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.
I got you the candy. Haha! You idiot, it's poison!
"Most Deadly Sport"
Playing chicken with a train!
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.