I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering, but you walk toward his gun; "I will finish what you started."
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
My uncle died on September 11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
I wanna die.
Where do mathematicians go to die?
The symmetry.
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
When Kobe's pilot hit the mountain, he said, "Kobe."
What do you get when you have 10 chicken nuggets and little Jimmy tries to take one?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead little Jimmy.
Other girls want a guy who is 6ft, but does me being 6ft under count?
It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*
