Death jokes

A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

What's green and smells like ham?

Kermit the frog's fingers.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To die.

I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me...

I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

Not done yet.

Now they are.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Fortnite is dead and so are you.

Kenny was into incest until his mom died.

Now he's into necrophilia.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.

If at first you don't succeed,

Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."

Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."

When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"

What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?

They both have something hanging in their closet.