Death jokes
Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...
What's the difference between me and a rope?
The rope doesn't hang from itself.
Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?
It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.
It works, my brother has never slept better
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
What's black and white, black and white, black and white...?
A dead nun rolling down a hill.
Why did the suicidal person cross the road?
To slow down traffic!
What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.
What do you call a zombie?
Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.
Why did the family move away?
Because they lost their son.
Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.
Danny, your mum [is] dead as hell and got raggedy shoes on.
So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.
I’m rather relaxed about death.
From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?
"Can I have a bodybag?"
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
What’s a 9/11 victim’s least favorite song?
Drowning Pool - Bodies.