Death jokes

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."

Why was Kobe a good father?

He took his daughter with him.

I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution, but when I got there, they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you, Penaldo!

It hasn't been the same since Kobe died. I can't say "Kobe" anymore when going to shoot a shot. Now I have to say, "Kobe crash!"

An orphan asked his caretaker where his parents are, and the caretaker said, "A place called home."

Call me Kobe Bryant, cause I'm gonna helicopter out of this one.

How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?

He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

Stephen Hawking died because he was too far away from the Wi-Fi router.

What's red and spins really fast?

Kurt Cobain's ceiling fan.

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued.

Your flesh was delectable, and so was the rest of you.

I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.

Chuck Norris died, but Death was too afraid to tell him.

I stood on the edge of a building and someone yelled, "Do a flip!"..... and I did.

What do you say to a kid in a trash compactor?

You looking a little square.

I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"

Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的

The first guy: What's 他妈的?

The Chinese: Fucking.

The first guy chooses death.

Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...

The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.

Second guy: I choose 他妈的.

The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!

I saw a helicopter on January 26, 2020. Then Kobe was on the news.

What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?

My dick.