A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
Death Jokes
What do you call a decapitated politician?
A severed head of state.
What is worse than a baby getting hanged in a tree?
That same baby getting hanged in multiple trees.
Night chat. #love you forever maybe until I die! 🌸
It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*
I never forget my grandpa's last words.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?
A mass murderer.
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.
Q: What's yellow and floats?
A: A bus full of children.
What do you get when you have 10 chicken nuggets and little Jimmy tries to take one?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead little Jimmy.
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."
"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."
"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."
"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."
"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."
"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.
