Death jokes
I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
[being buried alive]
Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.
Why did the orphan commit suicide?
So he could find home.
I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.
"Are you getting the knife?"
What's black and white and red all over?
A massacre at a funeral.
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he's dead.
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
Why is rape worse than death?
Because dead people get way more attention.
What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?
The feather.
The rope stopped the kid.
How did the necrophiliac get caught?
Some rotten cunt split on him....
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid.
Man: "Hang in there! I'm gonna get some help!"
Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said.
RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)
Daniel committed suicide five years ago today......
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.
His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.