What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?
The feather.
The rope stopped the kid.
Death Jokes
What's white and bloody?
Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.
At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid.
Man: "Hang in there! I'm gonna get some help!"
Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said.
RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)
Daniel committed suicide five years ago today......
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.
1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.
Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.
What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people.
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
What's the difference between an emo kid and a leaf? Only the leaf reaches the ground.
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.
A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”
Abortion clinics are kind of like NAZI gas chambers. Less people come out than go in.
If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.
But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.
