Death jokes
I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Why did the orphan commit suicide?
So he could find home.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
Memes
Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he's dead.
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
What's black and white and red all over?
A massacre at a funeral.
Why is rape worse than death?
Because dead people get way more attention.
What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?
The feather.
The rope stopped the kid.
How did the necrophiliac get caught?
Some rotten cunt split on him....
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid.
Man: "Hang in there! I'm gonna get some help!"
Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said.
RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)
Daniel committed suicide five years ago today......
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
What would MLK Junior be if he was white?.........Alive.
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
A leaf and a depressed kid fall from a building. Which hits the ground first?
The leaf, the rope stops the depressed kid.
Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.