Death jokes
[being buried alive]
Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.
Why did the orphan commit suicide?
So he could find home.
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
Memes
Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he's dead.
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
What's black and white and red all over?
A massacre at a funeral.
Why is rape worse than death?
Because dead people get way more attention.
How did the necrophiliac get caught?
Some rotten cunt split on him....
What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?
The feather.
The rope stopped the kid.
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid.
Man: "Hang in there! I'm gonna get some help!"
Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said.
RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)
Daniel committed suicide five years ago today......
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
What would MLK Junior be if he was white?.........Alive.
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.
1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.