Death jokes

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.

How do necrophiles get consent? A ouija board.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone?

Because he's dead.

What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?

America's funniest home videos.

Guys, stop making jokes about orphan's parents.

Who will be told? Oh wait.

What's the difference between Paul Walker's car and a petite white girl?

There is no difference.

They both got split open by a huge log.

Why is rape worse than death?

Because dead people get way more attention.

Do emo kids get jealous of their phone when it dies?

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.

A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to jump!"

The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"

The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.

Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.

Where do feminists go when they die? "Hell's Kitchen."

Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.

I still remember my grandpa's last words; "Is that loaded?"