Death jokes

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.

Japanese people are so cool and organized, they have their own ways of suicide.

My poem, roses are red, violets are blue. I will die very soon. 🔪

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.

Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

Everyone's had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?

They both died at 95.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

Why did Stephen Hawking die? He didn't pay his electricity bills.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

Don't be scared of skeletons.

They don't have the guts for murder.

I will pay someone to kill me.