Death jokes
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
what was Juice WRLD before he was famous?
Answer: alive.
Japanese people are so cool and organized, they have their own ways of suicide.
What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?
They both died at 95.
What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!
Well.
You know what an emo gets for his birthday? A rope.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He didn't pay his electricity bills.
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."
How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
A straw.
My poem, roses are red, violets are blue. I will die very soon. 🔪
I saw an emo orphan by a tree, and I was going to give it a high-five, but instead I just let it hang.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.
Everyone's had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.
When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.
"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.
Then it clicked.
"Ah, so that's how you died."
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."