Death jokes
What were Brian Cant's last words before he died?
"I used to do it, but now I cant!"
People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?
My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
Why did your mom cross the road?
Why? She didn't, she got hit by a car.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Cause she had no arms.
Knock knock? Who's there? Not Sally.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
My sister: See you at home in about an hour.
Me: Okay.
My sister: Sister, where are you? *She looks out the window.*
Me: Sis, I'm here, can't you see me?
Sister: OMG, she's dead!
Me: Yeah, I know, but can't you see me?
Why can't Cleopatra ride a bicycle?
Because she's dead.
So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."
I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"
I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.
Danny, your mum [is] dead as hell and got raggedy shoes on.
What do you call it when you're dead because of that one drink in Panera Bread? Panera dead.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his carer lost his charger.
Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.
Ugh, don't you just hate it when you're having sex and your parents walk in the room and say, "No more dead babies for your mister, we are running low!"
I'm never going bungee jumping because a cord bridged me into the world. It's not taking me out.
Iron Man dies.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to skull.
A bullet is like an arrow.
Nothing can stop it from going through your head.