Death jokes

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

Who's Paul Walker's close friend?

Tree.

Your loved one dies and you call the Coroner's office. They answer, "Hello, this is Benny from the Coroner's office, you stab 'em, we slab 'em, how may I be of service?"

What is Meat Loaf's new name now that he has passed?

Ground beef.

For sale: Wheelchair, one careful owner, no longer needed.

What does it say on Stephen Hawking's headstone?

R. I. P. Roll in Peace.

So your wife has died, and now she is marginally better in bed than before.

If you really want to get her to wiggle, simply add maggots.

Your Nan is dead.

A man is about to be hanged. His executioner asks for his last words.

The man says, “Man, it’s hard to think of something when your life is on the line.”

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"

I’ll always remember my father’s last words: “I’m gonna sleep for a little.”

I'm never going bungee jumping because a cord bridged me into the world. It's not taking me out.

Look, it's the dead center of town!

Do you know how to make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

Teacher: I was an orphan when I was younger.

Student: Oof.

Teacher: Is anyone not here?

Student: Yes, your parents.

Are you dead? Because you look like my dog.

Who were the fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They went through 95 stories in 10 seconds.

What did the people do to the deceased after tests?

They bari-um.

I remember my grandfather's last words:

"Are you holding the ladder?"

Why did the skeleton cross the road? To prove he had guts! :)