Death jokes
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
Go commit neck rope.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.
Why did Steven Hawking die?
He lost Wi-Fi connection and didn't get the data plan.
It works, my brother has never slept better
A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"
A man went to the library and asked for a book about suicide. The librarian said, "Go away, you won’t bring it back."
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
The orphan: why don't my parents love me? Me: because you don't have any.
What’s the difference between a pile of corpses and a Mclaren P1?
I don’t have a garage.
The reason Stephen Hawking died was because his ethernet cable disconnected.
What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?
They both died with red rings.
A pun walked into a room and killed ten people. Pun in, ten dead.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
You really can't call Stalin bad. Just think about the people that wanted to die.
I'm never going bungee jumping because a cord bridged me into the world. It's not taking me out.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
I would tell a joke, but I’m sad my dad died in 9/11. He’s the greatest pilot that went down with the Twin Towers.
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... He died of hearing aids.
I will never forget my little brother's last words, RIP.
His last words: "Paint doesn't taste good."