Death jokes
I had a friend who was a dwarf. He committed suicide. He jumped off a curb.
When you think you can’t fail anymore if you’re dead, then you fail at suiciding.
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
A leaf and an emo kid fall from a tree. Which one is gonna land first?
The leaf, because the rope stops the emo kid.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
It’s because she’s dead.
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
What’s the difference between a computer and Paul Walker? I give a crap when my computer crashes.
If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?
What did the boy say to the noose?
"Can you please tie me."
"When is the best time to commit suicide?"
Ate a Glock in the morning.
A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.
Why did the orphan run into the street? To get to the other side of life.
Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?
What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?
The feather.
The rope stopped the kid.
What's the difference between a dead person and a walkie-talkie?
A dead person does not walkie or talkie.
Funny thing is, dead women can't say no...
I want to die at a party. This is because nobody can be sad over me.
Who are the fastest readers ever? 9/11 victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.