Death jokes
What did Tupac's homies smoke? His ashes.
It would've been too tacky to take a shot in his memory.
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
The man who invented Velcro died.
RIP.
I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.
Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!
My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.
I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.
Why didn't the child go to school?
Because he died of a heroin overdose.
"Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?"
"It didn't have the guts!"
“Life is going swimmingly,”
“Tell that to Whitney Houston.”
If the US ate chicken, it would die.
Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.
I'm a magician. Watch my closing act at the end of the rope.
Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me right now!
If you can't see your family... you're an orphan.
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.
How do you make a mime cry?
You kill his family right in front of his stupid face.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Why didn’t the train kill nine families of four?
Because he had no loco-MOTIVE. AHAHAH
What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?
The second hour is free.
You can find perfectly cooked Kobe in a Japanese restaurant, but you can only find burnt Kobe in Calabasas.
Person: You can't kill an orphan!
Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?