Death jokes
My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."
What do you call someone smart and dead?
Stephen Hawking...
TommyInnit said, "Long live the Queen." Look at where she's at now.
I’m about to tell you the funniest joke I heard:
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The operator then hears the problem and says, “Well, let’s make sure he’s dead.” A shot is then heard. The other guy says, “Ok, now what?”
Did you laugh?
I remember my uncle's last words:
"I don't think we're going shooting today."
To be brutally honest, I think his wife let him die for money, because they could just plug him back in. Surely they have an Android cable about?
What's a skeleton's favorite instrument?
A tromboner.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
My son asked me, “What is angel cake made of?”
I reply by listing the ingredients in Mr. Kipling angel cakes. Then he shouts “STOP!” I stop as I reach food colorings. He slowly crawls towards me and says in a whisper, “Well, in my angel cake, I put angels in them.”
I freaked out about this, so I calmed down and asked who did you put in this angel cake. He said, “Grandma, the one who died last Saturday.”
If only they had more mosquito nets in Africa, we could prevent millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of AIDS...
I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.
"Let go of my nose!"
What's the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.
We really should erect a statue of the guy who killed Hitler.
"Why do people call Americans excessive?"
"It was probably because of WWII."
"Oh, you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of a little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Are you a toaster?
'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.