Death jokes
Why did Stephen Hawking die so soon?
Because his misses bought the wrong batteries.
My bro’s parents died, but he didn’t know why.
Turns out they died because he was a failure, and he would be going to an orphanage in 4 days.
What do chicken on a plancha and emos have in common?
They both are hung.
Why are orphans good at dodge ball?
No one misses them.
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
"Do you have a noose?"
"Nose?"
"Yeah, noose- nose... I heard yours was stuffed lately--haha."
"I actually smell something--like a corpse. Is it you?"
"No."
*Dying on the inside has never been so detectable.*
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?
It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
The death of JFK must have splattered on the news.
Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?
There, there, over there, and over here too.
How do you get a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.
Why don't orphans need parent approval for their wedding?
Because they never came home.
What am I gonna do on the 5th anniversary of the Parkland shooting?
Shoot a load in you just like I shot those kids ;)
Orphan: Hey, where's the milk?
Dad: . . .
If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?
The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.
Beethoven composed his whole life.
What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.
There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.
I just found out, these jokes are about dead people.
Bored? Run over an orphan with your car! What are they going to do, tell their nonexistent parents?
What did the gay necrophiliac say when his relationship ended?
"That rotten asshole split on me again!"