Death jokes

My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.

What do you tell someone who has depression?

Answer: Just hang in there.

There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.

Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.

I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles over your head with a 5 foot rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.

Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

Where do you go when food dies?

A fooderal.

Wanna hear a skeleton joke?

Sorry, I don't have the guts to tell it.

When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.

I'm a magician. Watch my closing act at the end of the rope.

The earth was once flat... until they buried your mom.

Kms.

How did the orphan lose its parents?

Its parents never came back from getting milk.

Person: You can't kill an orphan!

Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?

Q: How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

A: You give them a Sandy Hook.

Are you a gravestone?

Because I really wish you were on top of me right now!

About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."