Death jokes

What do you tell someone who has depression?

Answer: Just hang in there.

My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.

There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.

Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.

It never gets old.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than 9 because my basement is still dark.

I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!

I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles over your head with a 5 foot rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.

Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.

How do you make a mime cry?

You kill his family right in front of his stupid face.

"Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?"

"It didn't have the guts!"

I'm a magician. Watch my closing act at the end of the rope.

Everyone at the Queen's funeral:

Me and the boys getting her reboot card.

Which way is quicker to die? Noose or slitting my throat?

Bro, if I die, I want to die blown up by 34 pounds of C4 at a furry convention.

I guess the queen ran out of totems of undying.

The difference between George Floyd and Kobe Bryant is Kobe got air.

Teacher: I am an orphan.

Students: Oof.

Teacher: Is there anyone missing?

Students: Your parents!