Death jokes
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
I wanted to solve teen suicide, so I shot up a middle school.
A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"
I answered, "6 feet underground."
I remember my grandma's last words:
"What are you doing with that axe?"
You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
What's the grossest thing ever?
A bag of dead babies.
What's even more gross?
The bottom one is still wriggling!
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Question: How did the cat cross the river?
Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.
Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.
Stephen Hawking, rest in PC World.
Some people think Bin Laden is dead, but some think he's alive.
He is the Al-Qaeda Elvis.
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?
Baby Jesus died a virgin.
What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
Your dick is as flat as your grandma's heart rate.
What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
What did the kid with cancer say? "Can-I see my mom one more time?"
The reason Stephen Hawkings died is probably because he fell off his wheelchair, and he must've pressed shut down by accident.