Death jokes
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
I don't like it when people make jokes about 9/11, because we lost 19 great patriots that day.
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
How does the dog dance?
He doesn't... he's dead.
Stephen Hawking is ALIVE!
Go commit neck rope.
What's the difference between fruit and a freshly killed corpse?
I don't eat the fruit.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not! He got nailed before he died.
I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"
What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Bully: You're gonna die.
Me: Hurry up then.
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
'Cause she didn't wear a seatbelt.
Why does Doctor Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
How do you make a plumber cry?
Kill his whole family.
What's white, red, and screams a lot?
A baby in a blender.
Why couldn’t little Susie stay on the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Susie.