I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.
How do you get a koala to die? Kill it.
Why did Stephen Hawking die so soon?
Because his misses bought the wrong batteries.
Most orphans were born on the highway. It’s where most accidents [happen].
Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.
An emo girl and a squirrel both fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The squirrel. The rope stops the emo girl.
What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?
One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.
A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.
What did they find in Paul Walker's glovebox?
His head and shoulders.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me right now!
If at first you don't succeed, oh well, so much for skydiving.
Why did Kenny die?
Was he trying to kill himself? Was he just dicking around?
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
The death of JFK must have splattered on the news.
If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.
What’s the difference between Diana and Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.
