Death jokes
What's the difference between me and cancer?
Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?
They both like cracking open a cold one.
What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?
I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.
You can find perfectly cooked Kobe in a Japanese restaurant, but you can only find burnt Kobe in Calabasas.
What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?
"Damn, that's really stiff!"
What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?
The second hour is free.
What's the difference between a dead person and a walkie-talkie?
A dead person does not walkie or talkie.
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume.
In 2011, Stephen Hawking said there is no God. In 2018, God said there is no Steve Hawking.
I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."
Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.
My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."
I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."
How do you know the baby's dead? The dog plays with it more.
My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
I don’t know why people don’t say "Cobain," because I’m pretty sure Kurt Cobain didn’t miss his last shot like Kobe did.
What do you call a kid laying down in the classroom? Kill confirmed.
What do you call three kids laying down in the classroom? Kill streak.
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
What do you call a gay kid that killed himself?
A byebyesexual.