Death jokes
Jesus tried solving the Rubik's cube,
but died on the cross.
What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?
I cried when I cut up the onions.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?
You end up doing all the work.
Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?
She thought her grandma was trying to flex.
What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?
A mass murderer.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.
I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
Yo mama is so ugly that when Santa came to the house and saw a picture of her, he died.
Why is the graveyard so noisy?
Because of all the coffin : )