Death jokes
20 years later
Johnny: Hey dad.
Dad: Yea?
Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!
Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.
Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.
Dad:...
How are an emo kid and a hanging child the same?
Depends on who's hanging.
I got jealous when my phone died.
A noose, a knife, a gun, and a razor blade look at a child who committed suicide after being bullied.
Everyone looked at the noose. The noose would say, "What? It wasn't my fault!"
What's big, black, and touches children?
Harambe.
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!
I asked the emo at my school if he got jealous when his phone died.
A bullet is like an arrow.
Nothing can stop it from going through your head.
"Uh daddy harder," the orphan said. Oh wait, he doesn’t have a daddy.
Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."
Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.
Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!
A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.
What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coughin'?"
What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coughin'?"
You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?