Death jokes
You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana’s head before she died?
The steering wheel.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
I hope death is a woman. That way, she'll never come for me.
Knock, knock.
Who is there?
Your Nan.
WHAT? MY NAN IS DEAD!
What do you call a dead hooker?
It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
I can tell a joke :)
Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
Why are the Twin Towers actually twins?
Their birth and death date are the same.
Two Twin Towers topple to terrorists terrorizing twenty to-be-doomed trip takers.
Never kill an orphan, because then that will end their misery.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
A man went to the library and asked for a book about suicide. The librarian said, "Go away, you won’t bring it back."
Like my daddy? Too bad you don't have one.
POV: Orphans rule the world.
God said, "I'm your dad," then kills himself.
The orphan: Waaaaaa!
A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."