Death jokes
Friend: Did Jesus die a virgin?
Me: Of course not, he got nailed before he died.
How's George Floyd doing these days? Being drug-free for a year, he must be feeling pretty swell.
I hate the 9/11 jokes; my dad and grandpa were killed.
My dad was one hell of a pilot.
Grandpa was a hell of a planner.
So my depressed friend wanted to high-five the tree by the cemetery.
The tree left him hanging though.
I remember my son's last words: "I stubbed my toe!"
Why did the orphan fall off the mountain? Because his parents let go.
Hitler is amazing; he's dead but still alive because he did Nazi death coming. It never happened.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber or die in the slowest and most painful way possible?
They're the same thing.
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
My parents are like the Twin Towers, only one came back.
So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.
Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.
Orphan: They're dead.
Me: A promise made is a promise kept.
Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.
But he nailed that mountain.
A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"
"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"
Everyone likes orphans but their parents.
My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Kobe got irl canceled.
An orphan saw a tornado, and he thought he saw his mom, but then he realized it was a corpse and said, "Hi, Dad!"
Why are orphans good at math? Because they can subtract their parents from the family.