Day jokes
Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.
Blue sky at night, day.
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!
One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.
Five years later, he came back and left again.
What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?
Father's Day.
Get shanked with a lamb shank with a stinky pampa in the tolpan.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
Why was the dog so stressed out?
It had a ruff day.
12/8?
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."
Cyber Monday
Why did Catholic women stop going to church?
Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.
Five more days.
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.
Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."
Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."
What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?
A period.