Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
Friday Jokes
What type of meat do priests eat on Good Friday? Nun.
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
This guy tried to kill me, and I asked, "What is this? Friday the Thirteenth?" Michael replied, "Nah, it's Halloween."
Did you hear about the cannibal who converted to Catholicism?
On Fridays, he only eats fishermen!
What's a chicken's deadliest day?
Friday.
Better Friday the 13th than Monday the 13th.
Today is Good Friday, so there will be no meat for us to eat. Instead, we have to do what lesbians do and eat fish.
My teacher asked me what my favorite number was yesterday, and I said 2977. I chose 91 for my football jersey number and Sharpied a 1 after the other 1, and my teacher Mr. Jackson's dad died in 9/11, and when he was talking about it Friday the 9th, I threw a paper airplane at him and got suspended for 3 days starting Monday.
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
When's the best day to get the chair? Fry-day.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Hey Siri, skip to Friday!
What is a chicken's favorite day of the week? Fri-day.
Why do orphans hate Fridays?
Family movie night.
Donald Trump announced he will run for prez today. His hair will on Friday.
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”
Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”
"Our teen has decreed we are the 'Worst Parents Ever.' We will hold our coronation ceremony to accept this honor next Friday. Invitations to follow."
