Day jokes

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day.

Emo kids: Here lies Chris, he shot himself!

I was walking down the street one day, and I passed the gun store. I walked in, and everything was half off. I didn’t know back-to-school sales had started already!

A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.

"What are you doing all day?"

"Knot a lot."

One day I was saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, “Yeah, what gave me away?” I said, “His parents.”

Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!

Get shanked with a lamb shank with a stinky pampa in the tolpan.

Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.

Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.

I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.

Hope everyone is having a good day! ❤️

You're walking one day and a little kid, about 5-6 years old, comes up to you asking, "What's a condom?" You have to give that child the wrong answer, what would you tell them? Comment on what you would tell them.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

It's past April Fool's Day, and we still have a joke as president.

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

You learn something new every day.

Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.

My grief counselor died the other day.

He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?

Father's Day.

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.

Blue sky at night, day.

My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."