Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide” The librarian replies, “No,you won’t give it back”
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work...
He’s a suicide bomber.
They'll never do reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already
Your hairline’s so far back even Rosa Parks refused to sit there
Your hairline so far back I learned about it in history class
Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.
Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
When you send her a dick pic but then she sends you one right back...
Woah man, you need to take a step back. Your hairline did, so I am sure you can.
A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "your adopted" the sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!” A man in the back responds, “YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."
