Day jokes
I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."
Why did Catholic women stop going to church?
Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
You're like a stormy cloud, because once you go away, it's a nice day.
My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.
It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.
Memes
God, you’re having a good day?
Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.
Teach a Scouser to fish and he can eat for a day.
Give him the rod and he will stick it in your letterbox and nick your car keys!
"It's Sunday evening!"
"No. It's Monday eve."
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
BlessedBrian must have been born on April Fools’ Day... because he’s a joke every day of the year.
If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.
Five more days.
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"
How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?
About nine months and a day.
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.
I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.