Dark Humor

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

How does Osama feed his child? "Here comes the airplane, here comes another one."

The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.

The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”

“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“What, years? Months?!”

“Nine...”

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

What's black and sits on the bottom of the stairs to the cellar?

Steven Hawking where the experiments went wrong.

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

I was telling the emo kid emo jokes, and I couldn’t read them because I was laughing too hard. I almost cut the emo kid. He wasn’t laughing at the jokes.

One good thing about lynching during the holidays, free tree ornaments.

I am dark humor.

Q: What kind of person has 100% ambition and never gives up if someone gets in their way?

A: A rapist.

What did the person with no hands get for Christmas?

He didn't open it yet.

What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

My humour is so dark that its life matters.

Why did the teacher get the death penalty? Because she gave an orphan homework. That's on period. #darkhumor

Joke: Genders are much like the twin towers. They used to be two, but now it's a sensitive subject.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.