Dark Humor

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Suicide.

Suicide who?

Suicide you.

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

Me and my friend (rope) like hanging out.

Son: Dad, what's dark humor?

Dad: Do you see the guy over there with no arms?

Son: No, I'm blind.

There was one kid that came home from school and asked his mom what dark humor was.

She said, "Well son, do you see that guy over there across the road? Go give him a high-five."

Son said, "But I can't see."

Mom said, "That's the point."

Found this girl in Hawaii.

Put a stick up her ass and she said, "Ayi."

I teach orphans.

But the problem is I can't give them homework.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

My ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's going to be hanging tonight.

What did the emo kid say to the cashier? ... "Scan my wrists."

The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.

The only thing drier than these jokes is your mom.

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?

Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.

(I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)

Roses are red, Get on the ground, Gimme your stuff, Get ready to drown!

What is the most noise that comes out of a ladies mouth? Nothing because they never have anything important to say.

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.

The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”

“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“What, years? Months?!”

“Nine...”

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.