Dark Humor

What did the emo kid say to the cashier? ... "Scan my wrists."

There was one kid that came home from school and asked his mom what dark humor was.

She said, "Well son, do you see that guy over there across the road? Go give him a high-five."

Son said, "But I can't see."

Mom said, "That's the point."

Found this girl in Hawaii.

Put a stick up her ass and she said, "Ayi."

Son: Dad, what's dark humor?

Dad: Do you see the guy over there with no arms?

Son: No, I'm blind.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

I teach orphans.

But the problem is I can't give them homework.

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?

Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.

(I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)

The only thing drier than these jokes is your mom.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Suicide.

Suicide who?

Suicide you.

What is the most noise that comes out of a ladies mouth? Nothing because they never have anything important to say.

Roses are red, Get on the ground, Gimme your stuff, Get ready to drown!

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.

The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”

“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“What, years? Months?!”

“Nine...”

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

What's black and sits on the bottom of the stairs to the cellar?

Steven Hawking where the experiments went wrong.

My humour is so dark that its life matters.

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"