Dark Humor

What do you call an emo with a knife?

A cutting board.

Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.

Her: I am scared!

Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I wanted my first time to be special.

What do u call an Asian that was born at the wrong time?

Wrong тайминг.

What's another name for 9/11?

A forbidden game of Jenga.

Q: Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying?

A: He was in a mid-life crisis.

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

Q: Why are medication pills white?

A: Because they work.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

I piss on blind kids and tell them it's raining.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Dead baby jokes never get old...

I gave a blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.

How do you get a million fans?

Just run through Africa with a bottle of water.

I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.

What did John Cena say to the blind man? "YOU CAN'T SEE ME!"

What do you call a convict in prison for touching little girls? A boy named Brandon.

Republicunts/Cuntservaturds.