Dark Humor
What's the difference between Kelly Clarkson and a Florida real estate agent?
A Florida real estate agent screws over seniors, Kelly Clarkson screws little children.
What in the world jumps the highest? Emo kids, some of them are still in the air.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
Your taste in men is like my taste in humor: dark.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
How do you get a million fans?
Just run through Africa with a bottle of water.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It picks cotton.
What's the difference between my thighs and my eyebrows? Nothing, I slit both of them.
What's big and yellow...?
A bus full of kids.
What's the difference between an orphan and an Egyptian?
Egyptians have mummies.
What's worse than having ants in your pants?
Uncles.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you.
What's harder than steel?
Michel Jackson in an orphanage.
My poem, roses are red, violets are blue. I will die very soon. 🔪
Me: Hey, you want to hear a dark joke?
Brother: Sure.
Me: Turn off the light.
"My parents are dead, lol," said the orphan.
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."