Dark Humor

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

I have a friend who's a suicide bomber. He's a blast at parties.

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

"Say what you want about the deaf."

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.

What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

A school shooter enters a kindergarten classroom. Little Timmy says, “He’s my daddy!”

The teacher, Mr. Mortez, screams. Little Timmy then says, “Mr. Mortez, my daddy says you’re a big fat whale and he wants to roll you all the way to Canada!” *pushes Mr. Mortez* Little Timmy says, “Hail f**king Canada!”

When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

Hello, it is the suicide line. Just keep hanging.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

Why do you wrap a hamster in duct tape?

So it doesn’t explode when you’re fucking it.

Dog toys are getting out of control.

My mum's dog has a round bison bone.

Looks like he was chewing on Tracy Latimer's hip or something.

Japan takes credit for creating the rice cooker, but they forgot the USA made the largest one in 1945 and sent it to Japan.

What do you call a black person?

Dark humor.