my wife and I have decided that we do not want children. If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
A kid and an apple fall from tree? Who will reach ground first?
Apple because kid is hanging on the tree with rope.
How do you know the baby's dead, The dog plays with it more
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? - Everywhere.
What's the difference between Kelly Clarkson and a Florida real estate agent?
A Florida real estate agent screws over seniors, Kelly Clarkson screws little children.
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.
What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
One actually finished a race.
Q: Why do Americans fish with guns?
A: To shoot up the whole school
I wish death was in the form of a woman.
That way, it would never come for me.
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.
"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"
The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too
Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?
Person: Big black what?
Riddler: ...
Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.
Men play video games to let their inner child out, while women do abortions.
What do dark humor and a person with scoliosis have in common?
Both are sick and twisted.
I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"
Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.
Q: What do you call an Asian paralympian?
A: Lim Ping
