What's the difference between an orphan and an Egyptian?
Egyptians have mummies.
What does a gas grenade and a baby have in common?
They both squeal when you throw them.
Man yelling at mailman realizes he's opening the mailbox.
Mailman: "There's a pipe bomb in your mailbox..."
When a clock goes forward, it goes "tic-tac," but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic.
What's the difference between me and a rope?
A rope will hang with you.
I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.
What do you call a black guy on the moon?
YOU RACISTS! An astronaut!
Q: What do you call a blind German man?
Q: A not-see (Nazi).
I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I wanted my first time to be special.
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?
Women can't take a joke!
What's common between the penis and a Rubik's cube?
Both get hard when we play with them.
What is the difference between a feminist and a knife?
A knife at least has a point.
What's common between a feminist and a knife?
They both stay in the kitchen.
I was asked to design a website for an orphanage, so I decided to design it without the home page.
What’s a kidnapper's favorite shoe brand?
White vans.
Why did the mailman die?
'Cause everyone dies.
You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.
Q. Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
A. Because he got hit by a truck.
I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.
A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.
He asks her why she is crying, and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her, then jogs away.
The next day, he finds her crying again, and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.
On the third day, the man sees her crying and asks her thrice. She tells him she has never been fucked. The man picks her up and throws her in the pond, telling her, "You're fucked now!"
