Present Jokes

Cerberus
in Child

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? A pair of gloves! Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

Aokiji

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa, I asked “Why is it because he gives people presents?” Jimmy told me “No it’s because I hear so many good things about him but and how he’s gonna come home, but never see him.”

Anonymous
in Grammar

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…

It was tense.

5
jarryd

how do you get more presents from santa? you tickle his sack

Anonymous
in Depression

Tomorrow is Christmas and I’m giving myself a present that I can’t wait to open. It’s my wrist. (yes this was inspired by a Fallout boy song)

Anonymous
in Scale

My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Anonymous

As an Autist I find these jokes really funny, thanks for the early 13th bday present ya’ll :>

My Toenail
in Toe

Broke my toenail yesterday, I’m now presenting you puns/jokes:

  1. “Yeah I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?”
  2. “I’m tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE.”
Anonymous321

On my 21st Birthday my mom told me I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child your going to to get something good and something you been looking forward to is what my mom said. Me my mom and my on;y friend celebrate my Birthday then we all went to sleep I woke up the next day I ask hey where my gift you said you got me. My mom said since your father left us you have have no father figure in your life. So this is your new step father the only thing it was my only friend.

Anonymous

what did the blind man say on Christmas? I can feel your presents!

PNK FLYD
in Offensive

whats the difference between an orphan and a puppy parents enjoy the presents of a puppy

Anonymous

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It gets really tense.

Anonymous
in Orphan

what is the true meaning of Christmas. stealing presents from orphans-a quote by technoblade

Mail man tom

What’s got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon. 7_What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn’t unwrapped his present.

Anonymous

Why was Stephen Hawking disappointed when he got his Christmas present? It was singing lessons.

Anonymous
in Life

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery but toady is a gift that is why it I called the present.

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew tumed up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5.year.old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and ll spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. 'mey chatted with her, let her slt with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little lobs to do here and there to make her feel Important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a poy envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $1 0 'pay ’ to the bank the next day to start a savings account When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally Impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, ‘l worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.’ ‘Oh, my goodness gracious,’ said the teller, ‘and will you be working on the house again this week, too?’ The little girl replied, 'l will, it those assholes at Lowe’s ever deliver the tucking sheet rock ’

Anonymous
in Prostitution

What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?

Condoms!

LET IT GO EVERYONE

The streets go blank in the dead of the day not a car to be seen A kingdom of corona-cation and it looks like moms the queen The wind is howling with this virus in the air Couldn’t keep it in china everyone knows it’s everywhere Don’t let friends in don’t be afraid Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal don’t feel your insanity That the virus caused!! Don’t let it go! Don’t let it go! You have to hold it back a little more! Don’t let it go! Don’t let it go! Turn away and slam your doors! I don’t care what the government says! Let me go to my friends house Sickness doesn’t get to me anyway. It’s funny how some distance makes everyone insane And the fears that once controlled me are here and present oh well! It’s time to see what I can do to test the limits and break through! No right no wrong but stay inside! WERE NOT FREEEE!! Don’t let it go! Don’t let it go! Be one with the peace inside!! Don’t let it go! Don’t let it go! Watch sad movies and cry!! Here I stand!! And here I’ll stay!! Cause I have nothing better to do The virus flurries through the air into my house! The storm is spiraling fear and fractals all around!! And one thought makes you wanna scream and shout out loud!! What if we never go back? What if the past is in the past??? DONT LET IT GO DONT LET IT GO!! And you’ll rise at the break of noon! DONT LET IT GO DONT LET IT GO!! That’s morning girl is gone!! HERE I STAND IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT CAUSE THATS WHEN I WOKE UP!! Let the virus rage on!!! The sickness never gets to me anyway. DING.

9
Sabers the fox

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his christmas present ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it’s a pair of mittens. the ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.