Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.
What is the most noise that comes out of a ladies mouth? Nothing because they never have anything important to say.
Why is the UK bad at chess?
Because they have no queen
Joke: Genders are much like the twin towers, they're used to be two but now it's a sensitive subject
I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.
my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait
My girlfriend's a two, but she's turning three tomorrow.
What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?
They are both twisted.
I bought an orphan kid an iPhone.
Guess what? It had no home button.
My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?
I was trying to make homemade baby powder until I realized it isn't made from babies, oops wrong ingredient... smh
dark humor is like having parents not everbody gets them
Son: Daddy, what's dark humor? Dad: See that man over there with no arms or legs? Go tell him to stand up and clap. Son: But Daddy, I'm blind. Dad: Exactly.
want to know something jason and michael myers had to watch there family while they have to live forever thats why they kill there trying to make people expreience what they did.
I want a bigger couch.
Why? You're going to be in the kitchen most of the time anyway.
whats the diffrens betewin an orfan an a ejipshon ejshtions have mummise
What does a gas grenade and a baby have in common? They both squeal when you throw them.
Man yelling at mailman realizes he's opening the mailbox.
Mailman: "There's a pipe bomb in your mailbox..."
When a clock goes forward it goes 'tic-tac' - but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic.
What's the difference between me and a rope?
A rope will hang with you.
