What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.
Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"
The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."
Teacher: Hey Timmy (the quiet kid), what comes after X?
The quiet kid: Splosion.
Teacher: What comes after A?
The quiet kid: AK-47.
Teacher: Faints.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.
What is the most noise that comes out of a ladies mouth? Nothing because they never have anything important to say.
Why is the UK bad at chess?
Because they have no queen.
Joke: Genders are much like the twin towers. They used to be two, but now it's a sensitive subject.
I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.
my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait
My girlfriend's a two, but she's turning three tomorrow.
What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?
They are both twisted.
I bought an orphan kid an iPhone.
Guess what? It had no home button.
My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?
I was trying to make homemade baby powder until I realized it isn't made from babies, oops wrong ingredient... smh
Dark humor is like having parents, not everybody gets them.
Son: Daddy, what's dark humor?
Dad: See that man over there with no arms or legs? Go tell him to stand up and clap.
Son: But Daddy, I'm blind.
Dad: Exactly.
Want to know something? Jason and Michael Myers had to watch their family while they have to live forever. That's why they kill; they're trying to make people experience what they did.
I want a bigger couch.
Why? You're going to be in the kitchen most of the time anyway.
