There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
Crime Jokes
Why doesn't the pirate go to the strip club?
Because he has ALL of the booty!
Why do homeless people commit crimes?
They get a bed in jail.
You can't call yourself a baby boomer if you have never detonated an infant.
"Knock, knock.""Who's there?""Kid.""Kid who?""Kidnap you!"
You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
An RC-XD.
Why can orphans get away from the FBI?
Because they don't have a house.
Why do orphans play GTA 5?
To get wanted!
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.
When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!
An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.
What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
What do you call a Chinese assassin?
Chinese takeout.
What does a cop say when they shoot ginger?
"Orange is the new black."
What’s the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
What is a necrophiliac's safe word?
"I'm alive!"
If you are what you eat,
why is Jeffrey Dahmer white?
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
