Crime jokes

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

What's the difference between Pink Floyd and George Floyd?

When Pink Floyd can't breathe, it's because all their fans are smoking pot.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

What does a pedophile call an orphanage?

A supermarket.

Q. Why didn't Tracy Latimer enjoy her trip to Vancouver?

A. She had to go to GasTown.

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.

+1 Comet.

I heard there was a kidnapping.

Don't worry, he woke up in the back of a van.

It was his father's friend who was a priest.

He was just bringing him to church.

What’s the difference between outlaws and orphans?

At least outlaws are wanted.

I walked into a supermarket to get some ordinary clothes for the wife. Then I realized I was in a rape museum.

Why do orphans like robbing banks?

So they can be wanted.

Why do orphans like stealing things?

They wanted to have company.

When the person who killed JFK heard "headshot."

What's the difference between me and Bill Cosby?

I haven't been caught.

Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?

Doctor: Yep.

Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.

My four conditions:

1. I need coffee.

2. I need vacation.

3. I need food.

4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.

What's the most illegal activity in Africa?

Watering the plants.

Me: Hi Jacob!

Jacob: Hi.

Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!

Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

I went on a dating site looking for arsonists.

I found a lot of matches.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.