Crime jokes
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.
I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.
I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
What is a pedophile's favorite piano note?
A Minor.
Q: What do the mob and pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Memes
What do the Nicaraguan Contras, Crips, and Crack have in common? The CIA.
Why do most clips for automatic weapons have 32 bullets?
That's usually how many kids are in a classroom.
There's this smart way to sneak a calculator into school. I've heard of it. You take the calculator, put it in a gun magazine, put the magazine in the gun, and bring the gun to school!
Why did the chiropractor go to jail? For not paying $75 in back taxes.
If I were to cut your legs off, would it hurt? Because your legs will be cut off...
My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.
He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman?
Batman returns.
There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
Why doesn't the pirate go to the strip club?
Because he has ALL of the booty!
Why do homeless people commit crimes?
They get a bed in jail.
You can't call yourself a baby boomer if you have never detonated an infant.
"Knock, knock.""Who's there?""Kid.""Kid who?""Kidnap you!"
You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
An RC-XD.
Why can orphans get away from the FBI?
Because they don't have a house.