Crime jokes

When the person who killed JFK heard "headshot."

What are the similarities of GTA V and 9/11? A plane can be stolen and crashed into a building by a bunch of terrorists.

I walked into a supermarket to get some ordinary clothes for the wife. Then I realized I was in a rape museum.

What's the most illegal activity in Africa?

Watering the plants.

Gay gang members don't do drive-bys, they do fruit roll-ups.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

What did Bill Cosby say on the second date?

"Hi, nice to meet you."

What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?

Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.

Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing luggage? Unfortunately, he lost his case.

Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.

What’s faster than a black guy with the TV?

His little brother with the console.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

How many times does 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out!

Do you know how hard it is to maintain a good body these days?

I think Jeffrey Dahmer had the right idea, just put it in the freezer.

"Officer, I drop kicked that child in self-defense." -Techno

What is a necrophiliac's safe word?

"I'm alive!"

What do you call a Chinese assassin?

Chinese takeout.

I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.

Why does the Jedi never join the dark side?

If they did, then they would lose the opportunity to molest young padawans.

Q. Why didn't Tracy Latimer enjoy her trip to Vancouver?

A. She had to go to GasTown.