Crime jokes
Biden: My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "That's a pretty big word for a 9-year-old!"
What was blue and black and doesn't like to have sex... The little girl in my trunk.
What to gift a child molester who already has everything? A bigger county with more believers.
I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."
How do inmates keep in touch?
They have cell phones.
What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?
My last if she knows what's good for her.
I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.
What happened to the police that crossed the road?
They solved a murder involving the nut case.
I just got a job at the prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
I got hired by an orphan to commit crimes, so he could become wanted.
Dear Orphans,
I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)
What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?
He raped her.
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled, "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP!" The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!
1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!
2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!
3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!
4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!
Are these good?
How to commit arson:
1. Burn down an orphanage.
What's the difference between Pink Floyd and George Floyd?
When Pink Floyd can't breathe, it's because all their fans are smoking pot.
Michael Jackson was once a guitar teacher, but he got fired because he fingered a minor.
Weed: *gets hit by his own power*
Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?
Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?
What's the advantage of being a grade A paedophile? You know it's not period blood.