Crime jokes
I heard there was a kidnapping.
Don't worry, he woke up in the back of a van.
It was his father's friend who was a priest.
He was just bringing him to church.
What's the difference between me and Bill Cosby?
I haven't been caught.
Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?
Doctor: Yep.
Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.
My four conditions:
1. I need coffee.
2. I need vacation.
3. I need food.
4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.
What’s the difference between outlaws and orphans?
At least outlaws are wanted.
Memes
FOR REALLLLL
Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.
I went on a dating site looking for arsonists.
I found a lot of matches.
Me: Hi Jacob!
Jacob: Hi.
Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!
Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH
When the person who killed JFK heard "headshot."
What are the similarities of GTA V and 9/11? A plane can be stolen and crashed into a building by a bunch of terrorists.
I walked into a supermarket to get some ordinary clothes for the wife. Then I realized I was in a rape museum.
What's the most illegal activity in Africa?
Watering the plants.
Gay gang members don't do drive-bys, they do fruit roll-ups.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
What did Bill Cosby say on the second date?
"Hi, nice to meet you."
What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing luggage? Unfortunately, he lost his case.
Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.
What’s faster than a black guy with the TV?
His little brother with the console.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.