Crime jokes
Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
A pedophile and a priest run a race.
You can’t beat yourself in a race!
An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.
What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."
When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.
When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!
I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.
When the person who killed JFK heard "headshot."
Why did Al Qaeda lose $100 on a bet?
They bet $100 that they wouldn't crash when they went through the Twin Towers.
Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA? They aren't wanted!
What are the similarities of GTA V and 9/11? A plane can be stolen and crashed into a building by a bunch of terrorists.
I walked into a supermarket to get some ordinary clothes for the wife. Then I realized I was in a rape museum.
What’s the difference between outlaws and orphans?
At least outlaws are wanted.
Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.
I went on a dating site looking for arsonists.
I found a lot of matches.
"Knock, knock.""Who's there?""Kid.""Kid who?""Kidnap you!"
You can't call yourself a baby boomer if you have never detonated an infant.
Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.
DARK ALERT********
A girl went to the doctor. The doctor said she had one year to live. She shot the doctor, and the judge gave her 15 years.
DARK ALERT********
Q: What's the difference between a prison and a concentration camp?
A: At least you don't die when you shower.