Crime jokes
Q: What's the difference between a prison and a concentration camp?
A: At least you don't die when you shower.
I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I stole a wheelchair. I knew the owner would come crawling back.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knife." "Knife, who?" "How are you still alive? I just stabbed you!"
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
If a homeschooled kid shoots his parents, does that count as a school shooting?
Hey guys,
I'm starting to think they don't have any candy in this van...
What did the creep do when the woman said, “Make yourself at home?”
He hid in her attic.
So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!
And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.
Why did the chief go to jail?
Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream!
What do you call a protest that gets crowded?
Human trafficking.
I don't call it arson. I call it warming up.
Terrorist: We can go over it, we can’t go under it, let’s go through it.
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash its crack and sell it again.
What's the difference between babies and onions?
You don't cry cutting up babies.
What does the woman say to the cannibal at the fashion show?
"Who are you wearing?"
Why do orphans never get 5 stars in GTA 5? Because they are not wanted!
Why can't orphans get five stars in GTA? Because they weren't wanted.
Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.
There's this smart way to sneak a calculator into school. I've heard of it. You take the calculator, put it in a gun magazine, put the magazine in the gun, and bring the gun to school!