Crime jokes
VOTING SEMIFINAL 1
LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.
DISLIKE: When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”.
Vote for the better joke.
Age is just a number, Jail is just a room.
How are rape and airplanes similar?
The ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?
Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.
Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
Dad: "Yes, we arson."
A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."
What similarities do peeping Toms and spies share?
They both see things they shouldn't.
It’s too bad G won’t be able to follow in Kobe’s footsteps and rape a hotel employee but not serve one minute in jail.
A Russian, a Brit, and a terrorist are in an air balloon.
First, the Russian says, "I dare to throw a stone down!" So he does that, but the others don't seem to be impressed. So the Brit says, "I dare to throw a brick down!" So again he does that, the Russian is impressed, but the terrorist laughs and says, "I dare to throw a bomb down!" So he does that and everybody can't believe what they have just seen. So a bit further, they land, and a shocked and afraid little boy comes running up to them. So they ask what happened, on which the little boy said, "I farted and my school exploded."
What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?
Optimistic.
What's a pedophile's favorite cooking ingredient?...... Fresh meat.
Why did the moron throw his clock out the window?
The clocks reminded him of Richard Clock, the convict who knife-raped his wife.
What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?
Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.
What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.
What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?
You got off clean.
This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"
I replied, "I done it as a joke."
-April 1, 2020
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.
How do we know the Ancient Egyptians were into organized crime?
They were always using pyramid schemes!