Crime jokes
Why can orphans get away from the FBI?
Because they don't have a house.
Why doesn't the pirate go to the strip club?
Because he has ALL of the booty!
If I were to cut your legs off, would it hurt? Because your legs will be cut off...
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman?
Batman returns.
My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.
He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."
Memes
You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
What do you call a swimming terrorist? A bath bomb.
"Knock, knock.""Who's there?""Kid.""Kid who?""Kidnap you!"
Q: What do the mob and pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
What do the Nicaraguan Contras, Crips, and Crack have in common? The CIA.
Why do most clips for automatic weapons have 32 bullets?
That's usually how many kids are in a classroom.
A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal.
-- Jeffery Dahmer
I burnt down an orphanage and then showed an orphan the orphanage that I burned down, and he loved it. Not really, though.
If a kid doesn't take their nap, doesn't that mean they are resisting arrest?
Why did the school shooter earn extra points?
Because he was on a kill streak.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?
Why did the prisoner run away?
To spit bars.
I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.
I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...