Crime jokes

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.

What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

What do you call a Chinese assassin?

Chinese takeout.

What does a cop say when they shoot ginger?

"Orange is the new black."

What’s the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Fitting in.

What is a necrophiliac's safe word?

"I'm alive!"

How many times does 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out!

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing luggage? Unfortunately, he lost his case.

What’s faster than a black guy with the TV?

His little brother with the console.

Gay gang members don't do drive-bys, they do fruit roll-ups.

What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?

Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.

Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

I walked into a supermarket to get some ordinary clothes for the wife. Then I realized I was in a rape museum.

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

I went on a dating site looking for arsonists.

I found a lot of matches.