Crime jokes

What’s the difference between Jesus and Maddie McCann?

One had the last supper.

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?

“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.

Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.

Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."

Why aren't women taken seriously in the world? They are too busy whining about getting raped.

How many times does 47 fit into 9?

Get in the van and find out.

Pope Francis: "What is the hardest thing about nailing a young boy to a cross?"

"My penis."

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.

Why do boys feel safer at Ronald McDonald's House than Neverland Ranch?

Ronald McDonald's doesn't put his meat between boys' buns.

I snorted a line of coke off my 8-year-old sister’s tiny prepubescent vag. She just laid there and let me do it without complaining, probably because she was already dead.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.

What day is international terrorist day?

September 11th, 2001.

What does McDonald's and a paedophile have in common?

They both like sticking their meat in ten-year-olds.

Therapist just mean the-rapist.

Why do orphans play GTA5 so much?

So they could be wanted.

"Bippidy boppidy boo! Bill Cosby is coming for you!"

I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.

Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson screwed little boys.

A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."