Crime jokes

"Whole November month, sniper lessons available in Dallas U.S.?"

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

What do a priest and a pedo have in common?

Nothing, they both like kids.

What do you call an otter video game that is about robbing?-

Grand Theft Otter!

I stepped on a cornflake. They accused me of being a serial killer.

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?

Are you Jeffrey Dahmer? Because I'd love you to eat me.

A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"

How do pedophiles follow the law?

They drive it slow in the school zone.

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.

The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.

Why does a penis taste like octopus 🐙?

Stupid question 😒 🙄 even the catholic church ⛪ 🙏 knows that one.

If you’re gonna have a gangbang, make it extreme!

Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?

He's a small medium at large.