Crime jokes

What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

If Adolf starred in the Room, his most iconic line would be “I did not Hitler! I did not!”

My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.

In America, 1 in 10 houses has a paedophile.

Not me, I live next to a smoking hot 8-year-old.

What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?

At least you don’t die when you shower.

What do you call an otter video game that is about robbing?-

Grand Theft Otter!

What do a priest and a pedo have in common?

Nothing, they both like kids.

Joe Biden was once president, but he got arrested because he got caught fingering a minor.

"Whole November month, sniper lessons available in Dallas U.S.?"

Are you Jeffrey Dahmer? Because I'd love you to eat me.

Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.

Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.

If raping someone is sexual harassment, then is raping a rapist inverted harassment?

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

WAIT! I remember how the joke goes! These two cannibals are hanging out eating lunch, which is a clown, you see, 'cause they're cannibals and one cannibal says to the other cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?"

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.