Crime jokes
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
Why did the rapist not get sentenced?
Because rule 69 said so 🤣🤣
What do kidnappers play?
Roblox.
I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."
So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
Why do orphans commit crimes?
It’s the only time they’re ever wanted.
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
For pedophiles, watching teen porn must be like watching mature porn.
A man is pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"
The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.
The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"
The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
What's a knife's favorite person?
The victim.
Name one person who would take an orphan?
Michael Jackson, so they can play all night.
The devil's number is 346 because you will be in jail.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the car.
Why are colds such bad robbers?
Because they're so easy to catch.
A teacher is teaching a class algebra. Timmy, you've worked out it is AK, but what is 59 minus 12? Timmy shakes his head, not knowing. The teacher asks, "How about AK 49 minus 2?" Timmy replies with um... The teacher becomes frustrated and yells, "What comes after AK, Timmy!?" The white kid at the back stands, shouts 47, and pulls the trigger.
Yo mama so fat, the cops arrested her because she had 240 pounds of crack on her.
What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
One was famous for walking on the moon, (pause), the other fucked young boys.
The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.
What do kidnappers and Mickey Mouse have in common? They say, "Come inside, it’s fun inside."