Crime jokes
Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.
I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.
When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"
He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"
I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.
This isn't a joke but...
GET IN THE VAN, JANICE!
"Lock him up, you know, Trump!"
A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)
I think it was wrong for that school shooter to end his life at the scene.
He could have done some good by becoming some lonely lifer's bottom.
Why am I in jail? Because I wasn't invited to the party in the orphanage 23 days ago. Stupid fucks.
What do you call getting assaulted by a gay man? Fruit punch.
I saw some kids bullying a kid in a wheelchair. I grabbed the kid, pushed him down the stairs, and said, "GTA physics."
Little Johnny likes to play with toy guns.
Little Johnny paints them black.
Little Johnny went to a gun store.
Little Johnny made a big mess.
The cemetery people were getting paid.
Over summer, I shot up my school and left a note saying, "I could have done this anytime!"
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months.
Worst joke ever.
What do you do when an orphan gets you mad?
A stab to the neck and a bullet to the face.
"What do you do with your free time?"
"I stalk."
"Really? I enjoy walks in the park, going to the movies, and hanging out with friends."
"I know."
The hardest part of picking up a hitch hiker is tying them up.
If I were a judge and gave you a sentence, I would sentence you to life for your looks.
How to be a hero.
1. Tie a noose in your front yard.
2. Find and capture a furry.
3. Hang that furry because they deserve it.
It’s easy as 1-2-3!
Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?
He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.
My friend said, "Let's have a sleepover."
Little did I know it was just at prison.