Crime jokes

What do you call getting assaulted by a gay man? Fruit punch.

Little Johnny likes to play with toy guns.

Little Johnny paints them black.

Little Johnny went to a gun store.

Little Johnny made a big mess.

The cemetery people were getting paid.

"Lock him up, you know, Trump!"

I think it was wrong for that school shooter to end his life at the scene.

He could have done some good by becoming some lonely lifer's bottom.

A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)

Why am I in jail? Because I wasn't invited to the party in the orphanage 23 days ago. Stupid fucks.

I saw some kids bullying a kid in a wheelchair. I grabbed the kid, pushed him down the stairs, and said, "GTA physics."

Man: Could you hold this for me?

Kid: Ok mister! I love playing with a pew pew! Pow! Pew! Pew! Bang! *GUNSHOT*

Man: Dammit, now who am I gonna put in the van?!

What does Bill Cosby and someone eating at McDonald's have in common?

They're both mc lovin' what they're eating.

What do you do when an orphan gets you mad?

A stab to the neck and a bullet to the face.

Over summer, I shot up my school and left a note saying, "I could have done this anytime!"

What do you call an orphan with a gun?

(No) home shooter.

What's the difference between a club and a bar?

I can only get dead hookers from the club alleyways.

Bill Cosplay

Roses are red, Larry is bad.

I'VE GOT A GUN, get in the van!

Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.

So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.

He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.

Why was the egg runny?

Because he'd just had sex with Jimmy Saville.

What did the cannibal say to the other?

"Can I practise on you?"

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the New York Zoo.