Crime jokes
What does a middle aged man live in?
A retarded kid he keeps in the van.
O-Block
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Old man Jeffrey touches the youth.
Why didn't R. Kelly go to Germany to fuck teens? The legal age there is 14...Like bro hop on a plane and fuck a 14 year old hooker!
What is the difference between Madeleine McCann and a submarine?
They are both full of seamen and are at the bottom of the ocean.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bum.
Bum who?
Bum holding a pistol!
Have you heard about the kidnapping at the goat farm?
I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.
My brother likes his Vegemite so black, it stole our car.
You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.
A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
When a person went to a restaurant, they died once they were in. Three people were a suspect. Two were suspected because she served the food. Turns out, it was the food!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fishes.
Fishes who?
Fishes the police, come out with your hands up!
You can't put an orphan on house arrest if there isn't a house to arrest them to.
Man: Oi, dude, why did you shoot the orphans!?
Other man: Because.
Man: Because why!?
Other man: Because who are they gonna tell? Their parents?
I put glue in a man :)
What’s the only type of batteries that they use in prisons? Duracell.
My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.