Crime jokes

People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.

So, I was f**king my daughter the other night, and I don’t know what was funnier: the looks on my wife’s face when she walked in on me or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

Why did the boy shoot the clock?

I'll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I'm a baker's man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I'll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you're now worthless to me!

Who remembers when ‘tweeting’ meant “stabbing a hooker”?

@shelby denver is a massive nonce.

Me: Hi Jaiden.

Bully/Jaiden Harper: Leave me alone, weirdo.

Me: Wow, says the one who didn't pass 3rd grade.

Bully/Jaiden Harper: *hits*

Me: *calls FBI and puts on gloves and stabs random person then gives knife to Jaiden and takes off gloves* Bye bye.

FBI: FBI OPEN UP!!!!!!!!!

A drunk guy runs into a bar... He bangs his head and falls down, why?

Because he is in a prison cell.

How many babies does it take to paint a room red?

Depends how hard you throw 'em.

I’m here to collect my bounty, what’s your bounty? Your pants.

What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?

There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.

Paedophiles are f***ing immature assholes.

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large!

If a WOMAN gets RAPED, RUN INTO THE SECNE AND HELP HER.

Person: So, Jimmy, what do you do all day?

Jimmy Savile: Anyone who I can do.

I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:

1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.

I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.

What do you call a chomo on the road? Roadkill.

Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

The hardest part of picking up a hitch hiker is tying them up.

The Pope drives around in a glass box, or as I like to call him, a sniper's dream.