Crime jokes

What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?

There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.

Me: Hi Jaiden.

Bully/Jaiden Harper: Leave me alone, weirdo.

Me: Wow, says the one who didn't pass 3rd grade.

Bully/Jaiden Harper: *hits*

Me: *calls FBI and puts on gloves and stabs random person then gives knife to Jaiden and takes off gloves* Bye bye.

FBI: FBI OPEN UP!!!!!!!!!

@shelby denver is a massive nonce.

Who remembers when ‘tweeting’ meant “stabbing a hooker”?

A drunk guy runs into a bar... He bangs his head and falls down, why?

Because he is in a prison cell.

How many babies does it take to paint a room red?

Depends how hard you throw 'em.

I’m here to collect my bounty, what’s your bounty? Your pants.

If a WOMAN gets RAPED, RUN INTO THE SECNE AND HELP HER.

If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.

It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language.

Weird.

Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.

What do you call someone who kisses primary school kids?

Joshua Metcalfe

A man was reported stealing a bar of soap from a corner store. The police concluded that he made a clean getaway.

I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:

1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.

I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.

Person: So, Jimmy, what do you do all day?

Jimmy Savile: Anyone who I can do.

Statistics show 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

Worst joke ever.

Why am I in jail?

All I did was cause 9/11.

Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

I got hired by an orphan to commit crimes, so he could become wanted.

What do you call an Indian eating cows? Mooove to jail.