Crime jokes
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up pants.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
The details are SKETCHY! :)
What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?
A kinder surprise.
What did the pedophile say to the nutcracker?
"Aren't you a little too young to be doing that?"
I'm Pastor Moe Mister, Moe Lester.
What's the difference between a wanted person and a wanted handicapped person? The handicapped person wasn’t last seen on foot.
Q: What's worse than f**king a 2 year old?
A: Wiping the blood off of your clown suit afterwards.
So Little Johnny saw a robbery, so he tried to stop the robber. To the robber's surprise, he was amazed. So Johnny got 20 shots to the head. The End.
If the shoe doesn't fit, there's no evidence.
What is a kidnapper’s favorite shoe?
White Vans.
I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.
I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.
I think someone must've poached it.
A prisoner dug out of prison. He appeared in a playground. He said, "I'm free, I'm free!" A kid said, "So what? I'm four."
On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.
There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
What's the quickest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.
What do you do after raping a deaf person? Cut their fingers off so they don't tell anyone.
MORE JOKES COMING SOON LMAO ;]
High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?
Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.
High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.
Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.
High school crush: Who is it?
Me: You.
Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)
Me: Fuck that.
What's worse than 5 babies in a dumpster?
5 dumpsters in a baby.
A guy gives labor to a baby girl and a boy twins. The doctor said but the lady was like,
"Ugh, why do I need my husband to be in labor and I want a girl, not a boy, just a girl!"
The lady passed out 😵 and then found out she was in a coma. The man who was in labor died. The two babies got a nanny, an evil one. The nanny killed the babies on their first birthday.