Crime jokes

I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:

1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.

I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.

A man was reported stealing a bar of soap from a corner store. The police concluded that he made a clean getaway.

Man: Could you hold this for me?

Kid: Ok mister! I love playing with a pew pew! Pow! Pew! Pew! Bang! *GUNSHOT*

Man: Dammit, now who am I gonna put in the van?!

What does Bill Cosby and someone eating at McDonald's have in common?

They're both mc lovin' what they're eating.

What do you call someone who kisses primary school kids?

Joshua Metcalfe

What do you do when an orphan gets you mad?

A stab to the neck and a bullet to the face.

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

Worst joke ever.

Over summer, I shot up my school and left a note saying, "I could have done this anytime!"

Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.

If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.

It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language.

Weird.

Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.

What's the difference between a club and a bar?

I can only get dead hookers from the club alleyways.

Roses are red, Larry is bad.

I'VE GOT A GUN, get in the van!

Bill Cosplay

Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.

So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.

He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

How do you get away with rape?

Kidnapper: Hey kid, your mom told me to follow me.

Orphan: But I don't have a mom!

A woman once falsely accused me of rape, and I was sentenced to life in prison.

PLEASE CONSIDER LAUGHING now 😂