Crime jokes

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group.

I suspected that it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I have a gun,

GET IN THE VAN!!

What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?

You don’t need consent.

I was at a supermarket in Barcelona and I noticed the alarm had gone off. There was a thief at the store; the tea bag section had been ransacked.

Luckily they found the thief, Pionel Pessi, with boxes of his favourite tea, Penaltea. Shame on you, Pessi!

That was a horrible pun. You should be sent to the PUN-itentiary!

What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?

There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.

Where did Jeffrey Epstein go to college?

Bring them young.

Why do orphans like pedos? Because they have someone to call "daddy."

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who knife-raped his wife.

What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and an Emo?

They're both gay and use knives.

When the teacher gives me an F on my exam,

but I have an AK-47 in my backpack.

*Is honestly the best policy.*

What do rapists like to suck?

The life out of their victim.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What's the difference between an escaped prisoner and an orphan?

Only one is wanted.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?

Early access.