Crime jokes

My gardener found a dead body. Of the old gardener!

Why am I in jail? Because I wasn't invited to the party in the orphanage 23 days ago. Stupid fucks.

I saw some kids bullying a kid in a wheelchair. I grabbed the kid, pushed him down the stairs, and said, "GTA physics."

I think it was wrong for that school shooter to end his life at the scene.

He could have done some good by becoming some lonely lifer's bottom.

What do you call getting assaulted by a gay man? Fruit punch.

Little Johnny likes to play with toy guns.

Little Johnny paints them black.

Little Johnny went to a gun store.

Little Johnny made a big mess.

The cemetery people were getting paid.

"What do you do with your free time?"

"I stalk."

"Really? I enjoy walks in the park, going to the movies, and hanging out with friends."

"I know."

A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)

Roses are red, violets are blue, give me free OnlyFans so I don't touch the youth.

Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.

"Lock him up, you know, Trump!"

Girl, are you a public school? Because I want to shoot my kids inside you.

I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"

I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.

This isn't a joke but...

GET IN THE VAN, JANICE!

Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

I got hired by an orphan to commit crimes, so he could become wanted.

What do you call an Indian eating cows? Mooove to jail.

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