Crime jokes

What is Armin Meiwes' ideal date? Dinner.

"What do you do with your free time?"

"I stalk."

"Really? I enjoy walks in the park, going to the movies, and hanging out with friends."

"I know."

My friend said, "Let's have a sleepover."

Little did I know it was just at prison.

How to be a hero.

1. Tie a noose in your front yard.

2. Find and capture a furry.

3. Hang that furry because they deserve it.

It’s easy as 1-2-3!

How did the guy rob the water park?

He used a water gun!

LOL 💦🔫💧🌊

What does a terrorist get for Christmas?

A C4.

A farmer had a donkey and a dog. One night, he was getting robbed by a thief. The donkey told the dog to bark, but the dog refused. So the donkey brayed very loudly, and the thief ran out of the house, and the farmer beat up the donkey.

Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

What do you call a chomo on the road? Roadkill.

If I were a judge and gave you a sentence, I would sentence you to life for your looks.

The hardest part of picking up a hitch hiker is tying them up.

The Pope drives around in a glass box, or as I like to call him, a sniper's dream.

This account is run by a peadophile.

Roses are red, violets are blue, give me free OnlyFans so I don't touch the youth.

I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"

Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.

I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.

This isn't a joke but...

GET IN THE VAN, JANICE!

Girl, are you a public school? Because I want to shoot my kids inside you.