me: I'm going to steal your heart.
her: omg that's so romantic!!
me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Crime Jokes
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
1 like = 1 more child in my basement.
Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.
What's black and white and red all over?
A massacre at a funeral.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
What kind of star would go to jail?
A shooting star!
Why did the pedophile cross the road?
To get to the other preschool.
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?
A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.
"Man, your jokes about homicide are totally killer!"
I groomed 2 minors today.
Why can orphans never be kidnapped?
No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."
My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.
Why are Indians such good actors?
Most of them are phone scammers.
