Crime jokes

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

me: I'm going to steal your heart.

her: omg that's so romantic!!

me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.

What's black and white and red all over?

A massacre at a funeral.

Why is rape worse than death?

Because dead people get way more attention.

How did the necrophiliac get caught?

Some rotten cunt split on him....

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.

The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

What do you find in Jeffrey Dahmer's shower?

Heads and shoulders.

What do you call a sneaky child molester?

Incogpedo.

"Man, your jokes about homicide are totally killer!"

Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?

A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.