Crime jokes

I crashed into those motherfuckers! 😂😂😂

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

me: I'm going to steal your heart.

her: omg that's so romantic!!

me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.

Why did the pedophile cross the road?

To get to the other preschool.

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.

Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

What's black and white and red all over?

A massacre at a funeral.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

How did the necrophiliac get caught?

Some rotten cunt split on him....

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?

A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.

"Man, your jokes about homicide are totally killer!"

I groomed 2 minors today.

Why can orphans never be kidnapped?

No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."