Crime jokes

A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"

The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."

I crashed into those motherfuckers! 😂😂😂

Why did the pedophile cross the road?

To get to the other preschool.

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

me: I'm going to steal your heart.

her: omg that's so romantic!!

me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.

What's black and white and red all over?

A massacre at a funeral.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

How did the necrophiliac get caught?

Some rotten cunt split on him....

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

Why is rape worse than death?

Because dead people get way more attention.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

Why are Indians such good actors?

Most of them are phone scammers.

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.

The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.