Crime

Crime jokes

Arrest

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.

The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Sneaker

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

Memes

Thief

Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.

Body Count

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

Suspicion

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

Pedophile

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

Rape

Why is rape worse than death?

Because dead people get way more attention.

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  • Pedophilia

    I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."

    Pedophile

    What do city plumbers and pedophiles have in common?

    They both lay pipes in public parks.

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  • Midget

    What do you call a psychic midget in trouble with the law?

    A small medium at large.

    Rape

    So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

    Shovel

    If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

    Prison

    Why is a white guy in prison scarier than a black guy in prison?

    The white guy actually did it.

    Existence

    A straight man and a gay man are talking. The straight man says, "I'm wanted in 2 states for murder." and the gay man replies with, "Oh, that sucks. I'm wanted in 13 for existing."