Crime jokes

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.

The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”

Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.

Have you heard about the pedophile who was found guilty of robbery?

- He robbed children of their innocence.

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

What do city plumbers and pedophiles have in common?

They both lay pipes in public parks.

All rape can be prevented. It's just a matter of semantics.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

I'm not looking for consent, I'm looking for cooperation!

I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.

What's the hardest thing about being a rapist?

My dick.

Q. How does a feminist stop a rapist?

A. By using her equal strength.

What do you call a psychic midget in trouble with the law?

A small medium at large.

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

Why is a white guy in prison scarier than a black guy in prison?

The white guy actually did it.

It's not rape if she doesn't say no.

Two options: - Chloroform. - Duct Tape.