A panda walks into a bar, he asked the bar tender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him the leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “it’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
Today I went to the doctor for a test and he said I have 10 months to live. So later that day I stabbed him to death & the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved
Judge: We shall now sentence you for the murder of your parents. Accused: Please consider a lenient sentence, your honour. Judge: But why? Accused: Because I’m an orphan. 🥱🫤
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
mother got shot, damn father got shot, damn sister got shot, damn brother got shot, damn auntie running away with a shot gun
How do you stop a rape victim from speaking out?
Marry her
As tragic as school shootings are - it's also a quick way to a late term abortion
Once a naked women robs a bank but sadly no one can remember her face...
What do you call a convict in prison for touching little girls? A boy named brandon
When a woman decides to abort it is called a decision but when I run my truck into a playground of kids it is called murder
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch
Why did the MOSFET go to jail?
It had a charge for battery
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you? “Cmon, did ya really think I’d resist a-rest?”
Howard abortion and rape different? At least the rape victim usually deserves it and isn't defenseless.
What did the cop say to the muslim breaking the law? "That's against th-allah (read like da-lah)."
What’s pink rusty and covered in cobwebs
Madeline McCann bike
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex It'll forever be a mystery because the victims too young to scream his name
My best friend was Was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one
Police officers hope you’re a criminal. Doctors hope you get sick. Mechanics hope you get car troubles. But only thieves wish you prosperity. Weird?
Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?” Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”
