Crime jokes

Why can orphans never be kidnapped?

No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."

Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?

A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

Why are Indians such good actors?

Most of them are phone scammers.

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.

The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.

Why is rape worse than death?

Because dead people get way more attention.

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."

What do city plumbers and pedophiles have in common?

They both lay pipes in public parks.

I'm not looking for consent, I'm looking for cooperation!

What's the hardest thing about being a rapist?

My dick.

What do you call a psychic midget in trouble with the law?

A small medium at large.

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

Why is a white guy in prison scarier than a black guy in prison?

The white guy actually did it.

All rape can be prevented. It's just a matter of semantics.

A straight man and a gay man are talking. The straight man says, "I'm wanted in 2 states for murder." and the gay man replies with, "Oh, that sucks. I'm wanted in 13 for existing."