Crime jokes
I never knew what my dad's job was.
One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"
My dad answered...
You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.
Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?
'Cause they just wash up onshore.
Okay class, who can tell me who the fastest readers are?
The pilots of 9/11 went through the Twin Towers, 6 in 3 seconds.
A man assaulted me with milk, cheese, and butter.
How dairy!
My willy was feeling itchy, so I decided to go to the doctor.
My doctor was foreign and spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. As I returned home, I noticed my willy was gone! Pessi stole my PENis thinking it was a Penalty just so he could statpad. SHAME ON YOU!
Q: What do hookers and kittens have in common?
A: They both get dumped on deserted back roads.
Got kidnapped in Iran. Luckily, I ran.
Q: What did the terrorist say during a plane flight? A: “Wow! This flight is the bomb!”
"When Republicans do politics, it's a crime. But when Democrats commit crimes, it's politics." ---Tyler Nixon
Jasper likes little girls and Bin Laden.
Q. What do iPads and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?
A. Kids turn them on.
Why did Al Qaeda lose $100 on a bet?
They bet $100 that they wouldn't crash when they went through the Twin Towers.
Why do eight-year-old girls wear panties with flowers on?
In loving memory of all the faces that were buried in there.
Why did the orphan become a criminal?
Because he wanted to actually be wanted.
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.
What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
So, if being a paedophile is a career, then burying the bodies must be gardening.
What happens to chickens that get kidnapped by rapists?
They get choked.