Crime jokes
"Man, your jokes about homicide are totally killer!"
I groomed 2 minors today.
Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?
A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.
Why can orphans never be kidnapped?
No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."
I'm not looking for consent, I'm looking for cooperation!
Ohio getting out of hand
I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.
Have you heard about the pedophile who was found guilty of robbery?
- He robbed children of their innocence.
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
A man is with his friend in a bar.
The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"
Nervous, the man looks away.
The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."
The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."
"Wait, wha..."
"What?"
What do city plumbers and pedophiles have in common?
They both lay pipes in public parks.
Yo mama is so ugly she's the reason why Batman fights crime at night.
A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"
The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."
When you hear Michael Jackson talk about his "perfect 10," make sure you hide your 10-year-old son.
I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.
Why is a white guy in prison scarier than a black guy in prison?
The white guy actually did it.
Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.
A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”
I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.